The Heart of the Matter

                Do any of us really remember the freedom we had before we had starting wearing shoes?  Feeling the cool and dampness of freshly watered grass between the brown toes of our feet, I remember.  I remember the mud remaining caked on the tops of my feet after we played in the pond where tadpoles fought for a breathing space on the edge.  Somehow in the act of growing up we lose the laughter of joy in the simple placing of one foot in front of the other on a hot summer day as we run through the sprinklers on the green grass that is dotted with small white clovers.  Until we are taken down, wrestled to the ground while the sound of our heart breaks out in pain then we remember in a fleeting thought that still won’t be there as the pain gathers strength. 

            We pretend that it is not happening while we sit on the stairs waiting to catch our breath.  We walk down a hallway while working looking for aspirin and joke that, “I am having a heart attack.”  That is when walking becomes important again, putting one foot in front of the other, waving off voices of concern.  We tune out the voices telling us to go see your doctor, do you need to go to the hospital?  Somehow if we concentrate on our shoes, the movement down the hallway and back to our office is easier.    

            The day is over, home on a Friday but to insure that we are still alive, more aspirin until Sunday sees us in the hospital, still alive, despite our foolish heart kicking out in anguish.

            So I asked:

What was your greatest concern?

            “Dying, I attended a lot of funerals when I was a kid.  I can’t think about it.  I am better than I was.  I can’t talk about it anymore or I will have nightmares tonight.”

            Nightmares begin for us when we find out that death is real, the kitten in our hand in the morning is gone from its mother’s side and we weep in the comfort of our mother’s or father’s  arms hating whatever took the kitten away. Because we will really never know, will we?  Faith gives us hope if we are lucky enough to have it. But we will always question what nightmares are waiting for us.