Into the Wilderness and to Heartbreak

Do you remember the excitement of getting ready for a vacation or a long looked forward trip going home to see family to share bits and pieces of your life, their lives and looking forward to the future.  Sometimes heading home or on a vacation is a bit like heading into the wilderness, we just don’t know what we might find when we get there. An unexplored trail up a hillside like the ones that I enjoyed going on to the top of a ridge where the river could be seen winding out of sight in its banks.  The wading in pools of water when the young minnows of trout gathered to gain strength before heading out into the world of cold rushing water on a hurry to the ocean. The endless tipping over of river rocks to see what was there. The wilderness sang and I listened. I listened to the river birds calling, the river rushing by and then slowing to lap against the rocky shore. My skin was dark brown from the warmth of countless days wandering and playing in our bit of wilderness.

There were some trails that I did not take, like the one that my little silver tabby cat and I started on in the early evening of summer. Along the trail on the side of the mountain ridge was the brown pellet droppings of deer, small rabbit brush and the hidden grass on the north side of the bigger plants. Lichen rested on the tops and sides of large boulders. The sky was turning the blue-violet of approaching evening with two hours of sunlight left, plenty of time to make it to the top for a quick peek down to the dry valley below to sit and watch the shadows lengthen and swallow up the trees growing on the sides of the creek flowing to the bigger dark silver ribbon of river.  Until my pint sized tabby cat started to step in front of my feet, crying at me, looking up at me then starting to head back down the trail to where the old log cabin we called home was. Whenever I started back walking up the trail, my cat would run and leap in front of my feet and with repeated crying insistently impeding my progress up the trail. I tried to pick up my cat but the animal squirmed right out of my arms, crying and looking up at me until I gave up and turned around and started walking back down the trail. My tabby being satisfied that I was going in the right direction decided to guard the rear in order to keep his person going home.  I looked back occasionally to see my cat turning its little head upward gazing back along the dirt trail with his ears alert as he actively listened as we walked and ran on the narrow twisting deer trail on the side of the slope of the mountain.  We continued home trailing through the grassy pasture and into the yard of the house where the cat left to race into the house turning around at the worn wooden doorstep to gaze thoughtfully up the mountain.

It was not until the next evening that my father told me that he had found fresh cougar tracks on the trail that we had been walking on the previous night. He had been curious about the cat’s behavior and believing that the little creature had a lot of common sense he had wanted to satisfy his own thoughts about why the silver tabby was reluctant to travel further on the trail.  Going into the wilderness is great unless there is a bigger cat than you that might just eat you.

I am heading into the wilderness without the benefit of someone looking out for the bigger cat upon the trail or obstacles that might hinder my path or tear at my piece of mind.  Generally, I don’t mind traveling when I have a plan in mind of what to expect when I reach my destination.  Now I am clueless, I have no extensive or philosophical expectations of whatever lies at the end of the trail which involves driving, flying and more driving.  You see, my younger sister has been diagnosed with ALS and I am traveling to see her.

 Oh, I have memories of our mom when she had it before she died but those are memories colored by child’s mind which could only think that there would be no more birthdays, Thanksgivings or Christmases. Somehow when you are a child those days hold all the importance of the world. My sister's journey will be different as she fights to maintain something of herself to share with her family.  Her children are older than the ones that our mother left behind but it doesn't make a difference except they understand the importance of quality time and being there now more than we did as we played around her hospital bed.   

            I know that there will be tears so many that probably the river that we had lived by could easily become salty by the flow of water from my eyes.  My mom never heard the story of the wise cat that probably saved the life of her oldest daughter. She never got to see the days of summer shortening on that particular mountain so when I travel into a wilderness of lives that are now facing a wilderness of their and my unknown sorrow, it will be the heartbreak that I feel the most.