Surprise and the Demise of a Spider

Surprise and the Demise of a Spider

I smashed a spider today. It caught me by surprise as I was opening my address book by our computer.  I squealed without a response from the man, my husband who was occupied in one of our bedrooms.  I stood rooted to the spot, looking to see if the spider would be crawling out to get me. When the man finally appeared, smiling he remarked, “Spider?”

“Yes,” I told him, “it surprised me. I am going to smash it.”

In my house we have a jar for catching our spiders. We have a catch and release policy. Lately my husband has started using a very large wide mouth jar for the long legged spiders that frequent our bathroom. Rain or shine, once in the jar, the captured spider is carried out to the end of driveway and placed in the grass. We figured it will take a least a couple days or maybe a week for the spider to find its way back to the house. Today was not this spider’s day.

I went to fetch one of my brown leather loafers working my hand down into the toes for leverage. I approached the counter where the computer, tablets, address book, etc. rested.  Carefully, I lifted the address book up and the chase was on as the spider darted out from beneath the pink address book. I whacked with my loafer, missed and the spider went sliding down the wall, whack, a direct hit followed by a few more whacks before I attempted to pick up the spider with a tissue. I picked him up, jumped, dropped the dead spider, wait a moment to make sure it wasn’t moving before I picked it up again to head to the garbage can under the sink.

 

The man commented. ”It is what happens, if you don’t make it easy.”

Insects, bugs, and spiders. I like them all. When I was in college, I would spend hours watching ants coming and going from their ant hills. Beetles were fascinating, I was forever turning them back over from being on their backs. Spiders in their webs in the morning sun with dew glistening on the strands were a joy.  I grew up in the country with fields of alfalfa growing, cows lowing in the early evening, buzzing of bees about the yellow roses by my bedroom window. It was grand.

 

Yesterday, my husband and I were talking about a woman we had seen who is always walking about the place where we work. Head down, texting as she goes.  We reminisced about when we got our first cell phones.  It had been when our son was heading off to New York City for graduate school.  It was his first cell phone as well. We talked about getting our first microwave.  It had been a present from my husband’s mom.  We would have never thought about it. It was amazing. We had stepped into the 20^th century.

This morning, after microwaving the water for tea, I noticed a small fly doing its dance in mid-air until it danced into my hot tea water.  I snarled. “Bastard.” I am not the happiest in the morning.  I took my cup to the sink, searched for a teaspoon and spend some time chasing the fly about the surface of the water until said bastard was in the teaspoon.  Hot water and one small fly do not mix. I dumped him down the drain and made my tea.

The Spider that wasn’t There

I had thought of going for an early morning walk but cooking my broccoli, washing my hair and having a nice bath had taken precedence over the idea of getting ready to walk out into the day on this quiet morning. Having eaten my breakfast with fat blueberries and raspberries over my cereal, I felt more like tackling the day.  A good cup of tea sans one small fly helped to fortify my attitude.  One hot bath coming up.

I was enjoying my tub, rolling from side to side to rinse off the soap suds. Now, my vision is not quite good when it comes to close up things. I wear reading glasses.  But as I rolled over to my left side, I noticed on the side of tub a small object with legs moving towards my tub water. I yelled for the man while I kept both eyes on legs reaching outward and onto the surface of the tub.

My husband appeared, he saw my out stretched right arm and hand and placed the glass jar in it. Next came the envelope for sliding under the jar with hopes the spider would be in the jar. You will remember I have no glasses, poor vision and solely relying upon a hope and a prayer.

The man took the jar and looked.  “Can you see him?” I asked.

“No.” He said. He headed out the door.

“I just took an empty jar outside to the grass”, was the man’s observation when he returned from his trek outside our house.

I am not surprised.  Many a toe fuzzy from our socks has died a horrible death in the tub as the identification of the fuzzy was poor due to the inability to focus with my eyes.  Despite the lack of motion upon the carpet, I have been known to jump and squeal when I thought it was moving towards me. Just another toe fuzzy or bit of fuzz. What does this really mean?

I can link it to my poor concentration in meditation. It is all in the perception.  My mind wanders, skips to the left and to the right.  I imagine good things, mostly in my daydreaming. Why? I can drift with my heartbeats to slightly different place when I meditate. While there I can do anything. Winding spirals of color around myself, my community and our world filling it all up with healing and love.  I feel it to be true. I know it to be true. But a spider dropping down from the ceiling or scrambling from beneath a pink address book makes my heart skip, and I fall out of the different place. Surprise and quite often the unfortunate demise of a spider who only crime was being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But is the spider really out of place and does it have a watch to check the time? Is there a wrong time? Perspective might be the answer in this case. It certainly is for me.

 

I am constantly bombarded by spiders, they come from the internet, the radio and television.  Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with trying to do repair work on myself and the world.  Bless these people, sent healing to those, guarding myself from too much input. But the need is great, though I am small, I believe myself to be mighty. After all, I am just a spirit hanging out doing things.  Remembering that the next spider is getting a break, I have lots of jars.

Crumbs in the Making

I love getting out with friends, going to dinner, seeing a play.  In this instance, a couple of friends, my husband and I went to dinner before heading off to see a local play.  My husband ate a bit early as he was an actor in the play and needed to be at the theater before we did.

The food was wonderful, the company divine. After some time chatting at the dinner table at a local restaurant we headed off to the theater just a short walk away.  We resumed our chatting, our laughter sitting around a table in the lobby of the theater.  One of my friends declared a crumb emergency.  She had bread crumbs from dinner lodged in her bra.  Damn those bras, they catch everything particularly at dinner and when the bra isn’t giving you grief with the random items which have found themselves inside the cups, the air space between the two breasts the bra cuts into tender shoulders and underneath one’s boobs. Really annoying.

Thankfully, we had enough time for things to be taken care of before heading into the theater.  It was a great performance.  We all enjoyed the show presented by a local theater company.  After the show, we parted ways.  My friends headed home after many hugs were given and I waited for the man, my husband to take me home. When we walked out the door, it was perfect with no vampires, werewolves to greet us.  Best of all, no rain.

When I think of my life, it is filled with crumbs. Crumbs are not a bad thing. In fact, I rather enjoy the crumbs in my life.  It shows I have been living a life.  I am not sure I appreciate the assorted body aches but heck, I am sixty-five years old.  I can touch my toes, I can walk easily with both my feet.  My feet are enjoying the journey, buying new socks, new shoes.

 

Well, my eyesight has changed.  Definitely, I need my reading glasses for the fine print.  Sometimes, I am not sure I want to read the fine print.  I am just thankful both of my eyes work fairly well. I find there is so much to see.  The beauty of the world reveals itself daily.  The man points out things so I don’t miss anything whenever we are walking.  I have to admit the best view is still his smile when he sees me walking towards him across a parking lot.  It makes me feel special.

Crumbs. Sometimes they are just bread on your plate. Forgotten memories remembered, a happy face looking back at you, a pair of earrings you thought were gone forever. A new book given to you to read from a friend, a spoonful of soup, a bite of someone else’s sandwich (in my case, the man, my husband who suffers so).

I am thinking I might try and figure out what crumbs I can share with friends and family. Perhaps, an unexpected phone call, an old-fashioned newsy letter, fresh baked cookies to share at work.  I have in the past, picked up hot coffee and sandwiches at a grocery store for the people huddling out of the weather outside the store. I don’t give money. But food, a smile, a hello to let them know I see them.

More and more as I gain more years under my belt, I try and figure out what the person in the mirror might like. After all, I am spending a lot of time with her. I might just treat her as special. Every day, every hour, every minute. After all, she is my best friend next to the man. What do you think?

Competition

My husband and I are very competitive with each other in small ways.  It isn’t to the extreme in we get into drag down fights or hurt feelings.  More of a supportive thing. Our latest was the preparation for our blood work before seeing our doctor during an annual visit. The man decided he really needed to work on what he was eating and doing in order to make sure his cholesterol levels were better.  He tackled the problem with things he knew.  Less cheese, mainly. More of his flax cereals, eating lots of beans (not really a hardship as he likes my method of cooking them). As for red meats, pork, well, these food groups really don’t make it through the door in our mainly vegetarian household. Instead, chicken, seafood are part of our menu surrounded by various cooked and raw vegetables.  The result was a good report on his cholesterol levels when he visited his doctor. I must mention my husband is not over weight which also is a factor in his overall health. Sigh, he looks good, really good.

After his visit, I was spurred to action as I have just passed the 65 year marker in May of this year. After a really nasty bit of illness, I had lost some weight and still I have managed to keep it off.  I realize with my weight slowly going down I had not really addressed the cholesterol level, I will share it with you.  It was over 200 last year. I looked at my cheese and eggs levels.  I started cutting back.  I made sure a whole grain cereal with flax seed was added daily with lots of fruit (banana, blueberries and raspberries). I love summer. I started making sure my pinto beans, garbanzo, etc. intake was daily. I went back to my big cup of hot lemon water with turmeric, ginger and a hint of cayenne pepper as part of my daily intake. I continued with walking daily, worked on stretching muscles, thinking and meditating happy thoughts. Though I did not reach a certain weight goal before the bloodwork, I was hopefully to be a few points below my previous year’s cholesterol, maybe at 200.  Remember I was over 200. Prayers at this stage might be a bit too late as the blood sucker had drawn out the necessary amount for testing. Vampires are real.

I had a week to wait. I woke up early as usual on the day of my doctor appointment only to find a coworker was sick so I dashed to work briefly before going to my doctor.  I was hoping my blood pressure hadn’t climbed with the early morning rush. I worried unnecessarily.  Blood pressure, perfect according to the nurse at the doctor’s office.  It was a waiting game.  Finally, doctor came in, asked all the routine questions. I asked about my cholesterol levels.  He told me. My heart stopped. “What was it? I asked again. He said, “174”.  I told him how thankful I was and how I had been working at modifying my diet.  He mentioned that sugar was also a factor. Crap, I thought. I had fond memories of my husband’s peanut butter cookies.

Well, I am not finished with my home improvements (my body). After all, I am gauging the housing is going to have to last at least possibly another 35 years? The outside is a little bit lacking in some respects but overall, not too bad.  I have heard on the news I should decrease my calories in order to be healthier. It probably will work on lowering the cholesterol as well. I have various pants in my closet which I haven’t worn for years. Some of which might be out of style? It would be nice not to just try and cram just my legs into them. Skinny legs leading up to a slight jelly roll. I’m not really sure of the flavor of the jelly roll, perhaps, a combination of berries?

I have started a new project.  Besides, Buddhism, I have decided to look into Wiccan practices. Oh, I know if few of you who know me often tell me to “Do your stuff.” Whenever, something big is happening in your lives causing worries.  Just so you know, I can offer prayers, ask for guidance in your life as I ask for guidance in my own but ultimately, the great power of the universe, God and Goddess is where you are headed. You are connected just as I am.  I have always been connected with the universe. I just acknowledge it more. Believe, accept and know the information is yours for the asking.  It is just too bad about the cookies, though.  I did ask for guidance.

Someone Else's Cat and Other Thoughts

Someone Else’s Cat and Other Thoughts

I am going to begin with a poem.

Ode to Simon

Friend

Ode to Simon

Companion

Ode to Simon

Partner

Thank you.

Our life is filled with circumstances, things happen, friends walk in, walk out, heading to wherever they came from. I have yet to figure out the time frame and just maybe I don’t want to know. A lot has been going on in the small circles of being, regarding individuals I know of, care about and love. Even in my own smaller space where I was hit hard on Monday with throwing up, fever and not eating for several days.  I am better, more thankful than ever and working harder on blessing every molecule in my body.  Eating real food has never been so good. As to the short poem, it is given with love to my friend. If we are lucky, we get a chance to say Thank you.

I am happy with my life.  I am happy with my husband.  So in part on this Father’s Day, I wish to acknowledge the truth of being blessed with the goodness of this glorious being in my life.  Remember in the title of this blog, I did mention other thoughts.  You will be getting a lot of them but you can take a coffee or tea break, return to a good book or head out for a meditative walk.  The key is to stop for a moment, take several breaths and say Thank You.  Notice that both the words, Thank and You are capitalized. Use your inner self, pay attention and let it flow. No, I did not say play video games, watch a movie, or zone out on your phone.  However, you can Facebook briefly if you are inclined to read this.

I find things daily in the world giving me reason to take pause, and either break down crying, weeping for everything happening to the life on this planet or I can laugh with joy, feel pleasure and happiness for everything happening with the life on this planet.  I am nearly repeating myself but there is a difference. I can concentrate on sadness, or exude with enthusiasm every miracle I hear, see and feel.  I can laugh when the opportunity presents itself.  I like that one, laughter is healing.  The pealing laughter of a child is a testimony to the power of laughter. My heart fills up every time I am gifted with the sound.  So laugh, even if you have to fake it out at first.

I was offered a moment to laugh at myself just the other day.  I was searching for my alarm clock.  In the morning, I turn the clock off, head to bathroom, set it on the counter so I can see how much time I have left when I am bathing, brushing my teeth, etc.  It is what I have done, what my husband has done for years.  You might say we have it down like clockwork.  I know, forgive me.  But did I mention that I am feeling better.

 

My husband has been in rehearsal this week for an upcoming play so I have been home alone.  I work on preparing myself for bed with some reading, watching Netflix and finally, getting undressed and redressed for bed and when I was ready, I reached for the clock on the counter in the bathroom until well, it wasn’t there. I looked twice, thrice and agreed with myself the clock was missing.  I even moved several brown paper rolls left from the toilet paper just in case, it was hiding amidst the four rolls sitting there. Nope, I was being frustrated and in my defense, I was still recuperating from being sick so my attention span was not good.

I decided to look in the other rooms thinking my husband might have placed the little black clock somewhere else. I checked the main bedroom, the blue bedroom and headed to look under piles of dirty socks in the other bedroom.  The socks are left to cover the clock at night as its insistent tick, tick, ticking is a hindrance to my falling asleep.  No clock, I wandered into the kitchen, walked to the dining table with its piles and piles of books, newspapers, both opened and unopened mail, and a jigsaw puzzle. I flipped over newspapers, fingered and moved books until I sighed and gave up again.  I believe in black holes.  I believe in moments in which the universe twitches and things I want to find disappear until the proper amount of time to reach a certain frustration level has been obtained.  But I also believe in angels.  I do asked them for help in locating my stuff, to retrieve it from whatever black hole it has hopped into.  I forgot to do this on this particular day.  Remember, fuzzy head, not thinking clearly from Monday’s day of doom.

I gave up, and still wondering where the man, my husband had hidden the clock I went to the bathroom to pee.  I have a wonderful little window in the bathroom.  It looks out at my red rhododendrons and multi-colored roses of golden yellows and orange. As I sat upon the toilet, my friend of Monday’s fun and games, I heard a tick. I went still.  I held my breath.  Tick.  Where? Tick.  I gazed down at my feet at the heavy green towel which my husband had placed on the floor for my worshiping pose on Monday.  Then I remember.  My bath one morning with the window open. The quiet of the house broken by the birds singing and the tick, tick of the clock which I stuffed in the towel so I could hear the birds. Oh, joy.

I did confess to my husband the blame I had placed on him, regarding the clock.  His comment, “Yes, I am guilty.”  He is so wise.

I think this was a final way of healing my body, a small misadventure to cause me to laugh at the clock, to laugh at myself and to laugh with my husband.  Most of what happens is a gift of some sort to ourselves. The real gift and challenge is finding it somehow.  

Dictacting Habits

Dictating Habits

I fight with myself.  So far, no bruises, not even mean words tossed randomly out on a hunt and destroy mission.  My battle are small ones.  One of my most current ones is what I am reading. Perhaps, I have touched on the subject before.  After all, I did turn another year older during this month of May so who knows what memories I have stashed in the dark, cold, cobwebbed places in my mind.  I have given up on index cards as so many of my thoughts really have no constructive purpose in existing except for being a flashing minute, whizzing like so many atoms before they decide to join for a singular purpose.  Some of my thoughts, well, are simply there.

 

Books, I loved to be surrounded by them.  I like my piles, promises of adventures leading me to hate one character, root for another or to weep with an outcry of no, not him, not her, or it.  But should I have a goal, a purpose to picking up the next one, turning the page? I read primarily for pleasure.  However, there are times I look at my various philosophy, spiritual or what I think of as nonsectarian books sitting lonely on the shelf. Books, if they possess consciousness, would they wonder where I had gone? I, too, wonder where I have gone.

 

I have been looking at my habits, the little rituals, the paths I follow daily. When I was younger I had no other goal except for drifting up a hillside to reach the top stopping to graze for hours into the valley below, watching the river wind through its channel, the elk grazing quietly on the hillside across the river.  I would wait until nearly dusk until heading down the hill to a home cooked meal by my father. I could breath. I could wonder. I was more alive.

Now my little habits gathered through the years are dictating my life.  I get up, wander into the bathroom, heading to the kitchen to make my tea before opening the refrigerator seeking breakfast. The spontaneity is sadly lacking.  Or perhaps, the responsibilities have taken over, the need to work, to make the paycheck, to pay the bills is what my life is about.  Maslow’s hierarchy of needs still applies to my life.  Without the security and comfort of my home, and the realization food will be on the table I would not even consider life has more meaning than just the basics other than breathing.

A friend who has recently had surgery suggested the following. ”You should write about how a broken toe has nowhere to go.” I decided to take it under consideration.  After all, would a broken toe want to go somewhere? Where is nowhere? And if the broken toe left on a journey, does it have a purpose in implementing said journey? Can it bring into play any goals considering its handicap? Does the toe have a consciousness? An awareness of self? Or does it only wish to be better in order to cram itself back into a very vogue pair of shoes? Back to habits. 

Dictating habits? Often I do the same things over and over instead of creating a new way of doing something until it nearly hits me in the head with an ah moment.  Suddenly, I am aware of a whole new consciousness, barriers have been lifted and I look into myself trying to figure out where the new idea came from.  For a moment, my heart leaps, I do the happy dance, joyful in suddenly finding something new in what I have done before. There is a glimpse of my other self, the mystic, the child of the stars who disappears again.

I am still building up my piles of books, reaching for the tantalizing quick read rather than the more thought provoking tomes of insight. I am sometimes conscience-stricken at my imagined lack of dedication to enlightenment.  Until I find what is dictating habits in my life, I will just move on moment to moment, reading another book, wondering if a broken toe can ever find enlightenment or the perfect shade of shoes.

Melting in the Sun

Melting in the Sun

“Strawberries coated in chocolate melt fast in the sun.”  This is a great truth passed down from mother to daughter.  Strawberries with chocolate swirled around them are so beautiful, tempting in the clear plastic box in the cool air conditioned air of the supermarket.  But get them in the car after walking over heated pavement in the parking lot, let them sit on your lap in the hot sun which is beaming through the clear window of the car while you take a picture of their succulent beauty. Well, thankfully, I had lots of napkins on this past Mothers’ Day, a patient husband watching me scarfing down one, two, three, and four chocolate covered berries trying not to coat my fingers, drip on my clothes, car, etc.  Watching, trying not to laugh as chocolate oozed and clumped off of sun heated berries. Not a moment to linger.

Somehow, I think that they were better suited to a leisurely moment in the shade beneath tall trees by a gurgling brook or rushing creek.  A soft moving zephyr rustling my hair while violins play nearby. An old fashioned picnic with a comfortable blanket to rest on, fragrant, pungent cheeses with slices of breads to linger over and chilled water, wines to sip.  A much better picture than me, sweating slightly, eating the damn strawberries with their melting chocolate in a quickly heating car.

As things go, obviously I was swayed by beauty and not content.  So often is the case in our fast paced world.  We go for the quick, instant gratification without much thought to what might be happening around us.  In my case, I was at a grocery store on a very warm day.   We had stopped on our way home from vacation to stretch our legs, get a restroom break and pick up more tea to drink on the next leg of our journey towards home. I was slightly chilled, cool from walking in the store when I saw the strawberries, chocolate, and very convenient Mothers’ Day sign.  I was hooked.  After all, I was a mother, it was my day, and I was on vacation.  The man dutifully grabbed my tea, said go for it and left me to fulfill my desires.

 

Life is filled with after thoughts, after deeds?  An after deed is what I think that I should have done after the before deed happened.  I should have left the strawberries, been content with my tea, smelt the flowers on the way out to the car.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, the strawberries were good, very good for warm, melting chocolate puddles of goo.  But the chilled ones are so much better.   

Having an Icky Day

Having an Icky Day

When you are sick, nothing is good. Food doesn’t taste right, the friendly comfortable bed has begun to develop pits and mountains making it near impossible to navigate with various arms, legs and trunk into a resting position.  Your head makes it impossible for light reading or any other kind of reading as eyes can’t focus, the brain can’t take in meaning of squiggles dancing across a printed page.  A Kindle is worse with the bright screen hurting sensitive eyes. It just plain stinks.

As for taking a walk to clear your fog bank dwelling in your head with fresh air. Well, the best movement is back to bed.  Let me say boring. Disruptive to one’s work week, planned social events or having a simply lazy day in which to do many things if the mood grabs you

.

I was knocked down by an icky bug, no need for details.  Enough said I spend all of my time sleeping for two days, making it up for a bit of tea, eating a good breakfast that my husband prepared.  He knows me.  I would have ignoring eating.  As it was I lost several pounds without a good exercise routine.

Three days later, the man walked me around the block before declaring it good enough.  Today, I missed out on the fun things going to Farmers’ Market, getting a massage and just going to the grocery store.  I contributed a shopping list.  My list for Farmers’ Market included stopping to say hello to some of my favorite vendors, getting fresh baked bread which they had our favorite (honey oatmeal wheat bread), looking for good soup (I provided a jar with a good funnel) and some fresh vegetables.

Ah, but my bug was a small bug.  A small inconvenience for me, a bigger one for my poor co-workers. My apologies.  It does make you sit up and take notice. I am actually quite healthy.  I am going to be a year older in a month.  Sorry, if I keep harping on it.  You should hear the people who keep asking if I going to retire.  I am just as bad. Frequently I ask several individuals I know if they will be retiring on the big day of turning sixty-five.  Meanwhile, I just keep going.

I am taking more time for things I want to do.  Really, I am.  At least, in my mind, I think I have a plan.  I should probably talk to the man, my sweet husband so he can be involved, too.  It would be a lot more fun than him waiting on me hand and hand when I am sick.  Or would it? I should probably asked after he is done loading the dishwasher, heating me up something to eat. No, I will ask him after he finishes the laundry.